National Security Officials Undergo Terrorism Sensitivity Training

Before a U.S. Army psychiatrist yelled "Allahu Akhbar!" prior to shooting and killing 13 soldiers and injuring dozens of others, he reportedly attended a radical mosque at the same time as two of the September 11 terrorists, gave a classroom presentation that justified suicide bombings, wrote posts on the internet glorifying them, and told colleagues non-believers in Islam should be beheaded.

Yet no one filed a formal written complaint regarding his behavior because it was feared doing so would appear discriminatory against a Muslim.

Officials are attributing the response to a terrorist sensitivity training program entitled "Helping Violent, Religiously-Motivated Killers Feel Comfortable with Their Differences," which encourages law enforcement and the nation's military to "check their survival instincts at the door" in favor of "global consciousness."

The associated instructional materials for the program advise:

If you are injured by a terrorist, ask yourself "What did I do to deserve this?"

If you evade injury by a terrorist, ask yourself "What could I have done differently to help him fulfill his own personal mission?"

If you perceive tell-tale signs of potential terrorist activity, ask yourself "Is my perception biased toward my own selfish desire for self-preservation?"

One national security official who took part in the program said he walked away with "a much greater understanding of how the threat of a discrimination claim should be of far more concern than a potential suicidal terrorist bent on killing and maiming as many innocent Americans as possible."

Associated articles: Associated Press 1; Associated Press 2; UK Telegraph 1; UK Telegraph 2

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Al Gore Charged with "Leveraging Alarmism" in Giant Global Warming Ponzi Scheme

New York, New York--Al Gore has invested millions of dollars in business ventures -- such as carbon trading and waterless urinal firms -- that stand to make huge profits if Congress enacts the policy mandates he advocates.

Now, Mr. Gore has come under scrutiny for "leveraging alarmism" in what federal officials call a "giant global warming Ponzi scheme."

Investigators said that while the empirical evidence of human-caused global warming has proven lacking over time, Mr. Gore "fomented exaggerations and distortions" of the science to create an "ever-widening pool of suckers" that would support increasingly draconian federal policies. Those policies would help Mr. Gore's business ventures at the expense of the nation's small businesses, which would become less competitive and suffer financially in the face of increased energy costs.

Mr. Gore defended his actions, saying "While I may have helped dig the American economy into a deeper and deeper hole, at least that hole is green-friendly."

Associated articles: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/03/business/energy-environment/03gore.html; http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/energy/6491195/Al-Gore-could-become-worlds-first-carbon-billionaire.html

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Workers with Jobs the White House Claims it Created Say They're Underpaid; Compare Their Meager Salaries to Huge Costs to Taxpayers

The Obama Administration claims its $787 billion federal spending bill has "created or saved" 650,000 jobs so far, with $150 billion in grants and loans having already been spent.

Although economists say it's impossible to determine which if any jobs were "saved" by the spending, even taking the administration's questionable figures at face value, the numbers mean the cost to taxpayers of each job created or saved was in the $160,00 to $230,000 range. Consequently, workers affected by the federal spending picketed nationwide, comparing their relatively meager salries to the huge cost to taxpayers.

"My 'saved' job cost $230,000," said one pickerter. "But my job only pays $60,000. Where's my $170,000 raise?"

Administration officials defended the program, but conceded that taxpayer money could probably have been distributed more efficiently "if we just dumped the money on people from helicopters."

Associated article: http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/Featherbedding-stimulus-job-numbers-68389392.html

Obama Convention Delegates to Administer "Net Neutrality" Rules

Washington, D.C.--Responding to concerns that the private companies that own the infrastructure over which internet communications are transmitted might some day set up a tiered system that gives some content providers an advantage over others, the federal agency charged with regulating electronic communications put a handful of Obama nominating convention delegates in charge of enforcing “net neutrality.”

When asked why Americans should trust the judgment of a few government officials over that of private companies driven to satisfy their customers by the forces of economic competition, one net neutrality official pointed to what he called his “extremely spirited hat,” complete with Obama campaign buttons and a protruding stuffed donkey.

"We'll maintain a strictly neutral stance on internet access," he said, "guided only by the needs of our ideological and financial political base."

Associated article: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703363704574503331828238574.html

House Democrats Unveil Health Care Bill Cutting Billions from Medicare on Steps of Aztec Ziggurat

House Democrats today unveiled a 1,900-page bill to create a largely government-run health care system on the steps of an Aztec ziggurat formerly used for human sacrifice.

The Democrats had originally planned on making the announcement on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, but changed their minds after it was determined the bill would be paid for in part with $500 billion in cuts to senior citizens' Medicare program.

Organizers said the new setting was more appropriate, given the service restrictions such unprecedentedly huge cuts in Medicare would require and the health care rationing that would result from driving private plans out of business.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi spoke next to a statute on which the Aztecs placed sacrificial offerings to the gods before victims' bodies were hurled down a long stone staircase.

"Soon," she said, "there will be some new health care gods. They will be from the federal government, and they will be here to help."

Associated articles: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/29/AR2009102901841_2.html?hpid=topnews&sid=ST2009102902154; http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703399204574505423751140690.html

Casualties Mount as Federal Judges Assume Command of Anti-Terrorism Policies Under "Operation Judicial Overlord"

Casualties in the war on terror escalated as federal judges continued to assume command of anti-terrorism policies under what has become known as "Operation Judicial Overlord," a campaign by the judiciary to wrest control over national security from the elected branches of government and military experts.

"As we understand it," said one Supreme Court Commander, "the separation of powers means that we determine who has what powers. And we've decided that our law school training, our unaccountability as lifetime-tenured judges, and our sweet black robes make us eminently qualified to determine how, whether, and why foreign enemies captured by the military overseas can be detained in wartime."

But as terrorists have come to exploit the new protections the courts have been granting them, American casualties have mounted.

"We just didn't see it coming," said a spokesperson for the Supreme Judicial Command. "The enemy came at us in ways we didn't detect using legal theory, academic debate, and the lower court judge's ill-informed decision."

But the Supreme Judicial Command is confident it can fix its inherent institutional weaknesses in conducting foreign wars by writing even more legal opinions. "While the Constitution says the President is Commander in Chief, and the Congress directs funding for military and foreign affairs," said one Judicial Commander, "it's the judges who interpret the Constitution. And our own job descriptions."

Associated articles: http://www.slate.com/id/2224943/; http://www.weeklystandard.com/weblogs/TWSFP/2009/10/supreme_court_will_hear_al_qae.asp; http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=NzIyZjZhMjZhODFkYWQ2MWM0MDA4M2ZmNDQ0M2QzM2E=